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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.